It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
