I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
