It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
