I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
