I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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