I can text with my tongue
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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