My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
