Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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