It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
