my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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