i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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