I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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