I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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