And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
