Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
