i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
