yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
