Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
