if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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