Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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