I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
