My pussy is not your playground.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
