i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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