I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
They took my balls.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
