I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
