I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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