I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
