I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
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