the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He felt like a one man threesome
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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