I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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