I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Randomize
