it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I have tasted many bathrooms
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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