I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
