I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
