Whod you bang
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
