I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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