Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
