i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
