I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
