Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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