there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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