I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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