Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize