the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
