Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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