theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I have tasted many bathrooms
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
