I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
