Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
