So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
