you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
