I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
