I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Pants are for mortals
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
